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Sep. 13th, 2009

04:58 pm - Miss Selfish

After reading a few of the entries on here I feel selfish. Scratch that- I AM SELFISH. I guess I didn't want to admit it before. My "fmylife" statement is: I am lonely. Doesn't sound as bad as everyone else's screwed up entries huh? While everyone is busy I complain to them saying "Don't you love me? So why won't you spend time with me?". I realize now that I am the one who doesn't love them. Actually I do love them but I'm not thinking of them when I complain. I finally know that there are important things to them other than me. And I should support them and be happy for them... I've tried that once though. I've never been that great at acting so when I paste on that fake smile everyone just gives me pity. I don't want pity! I want to be loved! I want someone to be here with me! I want something to do! There I go being miss selfish again.........

Current Mood: crappycrappy

10:56 pm

My heart aches, but i cant say why
My whole body cries betrayal, but i dont know what im betraying
My entire being screams at me to do what i must, but i have yet to figure out what that is
My mind longs for emptyness, but i think at all times
My soul yearns for it, but it cannot be, yet
My thoughts torment me with things said and done int he past, but i am powerless to change them
My world is fractured, but remains whole

I am many things, but i am forever complete

I am nothing
I am Everything

I am

Sep. 7th, 2009

06:34 pm

everything is just well falling apart. and nothing is going the way it needs to and i hope to. i just want out most of the time. i just cant do this anymore, but i dont want to hurt anyone in the process. pls help me.

Jul. 7th, 2009

12:56 pm - what to do

there should be like a room of like what to do.. when all hope dies..

Jun. 26th, 2009

11:08 pm - Life.

I cant live like this anymore. i love someone that i get in fights often and i hate that. and no matter what she dose i still like her. i fucking hate my life .. and now she hates me again.  It's so hard when someone tries there best to make someone hate you and you just cant hate them. I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost hope in eveyrthing in life. I want something that will make me happy, i don't know what yet. I cant stand self harm, so i cant do that. Ana is too hard for me. Emo is just to publicly hated. I need help :S

Current Mood: depressedTo the max.
Current Music: some sad song. :S

Apr. 20th, 2009

07:41 pm - Let this help you

This community can sometimes be so sad, so here's a little bit of what I think might be help, hope, or something like that...

Life was never meant to be easy. At the same time, we have choices and opportunites which will come our way and you can't be too shy to go for it.

Try thinking about what you do have versus what you don't have. Took me years to learn this, but I still try. If you eat daily, be thankful for that. If you're employed, love and appreciate your job. If you have a home, or a person to call yours, or a car, or even a weird/cool hobby, be thankful you have that, you have much more than most. If you're in school, awesome! Be happy, it isn't many who can afford the luxury of education. Respect your mind, even if your chemicals are all screwed up. If you have internet, which you do if you post here or are reading this, be thankful - the internet can be fun and entertaining and not to mention is a great way to vent, learn, and meet others.

No matter who you are or what you go through, the fact is we will all deal with unpleasant, even devastating experiences. I've been to hell and back, myself. I was a dumpster baby, lived in orphanges and got shuffled through group homes, I've been abused, molested, raped, and kidnapped and raped. I have bipolar disorder, screwed up genitals, and my moods are hell to try to control. But I'll still go on. I'm going to keep going. I will not go quietly into the night, I won't give in without a fight.

I encourage everyone to strengthen their minds this way. Give in to the self pity when you're alone and have to cry yourself to sleep, but don't let it conquer you.

Apr. 19th, 2009

10:29 pm - i just need to rant into cyberspace for a while

my dissertations due in tomorrow at 4pm I've done less than half of it, I'm at my parents because the Easter holidays have just been, i was meant to go back to university today with my 12,000 word essay all done printed and bound. instead I'm stuck somewhere i don't want to be with 4000 words, an angry mother and a headache.

my mum won't stop shouting about what i should have done or giving me really helpful advice like 'tidy your room it will make you feel better' i happen to like mess.  she won't let me sit on m own to just get on with it even though i work so much better alone and she wants me to stay here until its done but i desperately want to escape back to uni. i know she's doing it because she loves me but i can't stand living with my parents anymore.

i know I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and i know it's all my fault it's not like i haven't had time we were given the essay last summer. i just sat there and did what i always do, nothing. i don't even go out i just sit there and i still couldn't find the time to do it.

i always do work last minute i have done since my first ever bit of homework, but also up until now hand it in on time. I'm going to loose a lot of marks for late submission which drop my degree down a grade but it serves me right i guess.

Mar. 31st, 2009

11:02 pm

xposted to as many places that i could think to ask.

i have been suffering from depression and bpd for what seems like forever.
i used to self-injure and have extremely noticeable scars on my arms.

now, i am a case manager.
i work with youth who have recently been released from foster care.

they ask many personal questions to me... i think because i'm so young (23) and because i'm new in this position.

the summer is coming up fast.
my greatest fear is one of my client's noticing my arms and asking me what happened.
i know they know. many have done it themselves.

as people who have been through the "system"
which would you prefer?
what should i do? tell them? lie to them? what  should  i do?

Oct. 30th, 2008

10:27 pm

I know this community is empty now
does it even matter

all I know is
I hate my life
I hate myself
I am nothing

I feel like all my problems are my fault
I can only blame my self for putting others first...
and that makes me wrong???

I dunno if I can ever believe in anything again
how can I ever love another if that means
helping them
providing for them
means if it fucks me over I am wrong?

Am I Wrong for helping others
am I just naive and ignorant
I thought I was kind
but now I know I am just the whore of the world
use me
I deserve it

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Radiohead - sitd down, stand up

Apr. 27th, 2008

02:33 pm - Death is always in my mind...

I've been in a really bad state the past couple of weeks. The doctors want me to go back into the inpatient treatment at the mental hospital. I wouldn't go and I ended up going through a panic attack. I left and haven't gone back.

I slit open my arm and my mom told me I needed stitches, but it was longer than 12 hours before she knew about it. She helped me clean it up and put the butterfly stitches on it. My mom knows how hard it is for me to stay alive and she is trying to stay by my side.

I've been staying with my parents for the past two days and I've been looking at the huge tree we have... It would be perfect for hanging... I told my mom I can't do this anymore. She just said she knows.

I don't know how to keep living and I just want to die. It hurts so much more now that my mom knows how I feel and is trying to keep me close.

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